1.What is the
definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman
& you slap her on the
Ass & say, "You're next!"
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2. What's the
difference between a bitch & a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, & a
bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
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3. What's the
difference between love, true love & showing off?
Spitting,
swallowing & gargling
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4. What 3 words do
you dread most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
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5. What did the
cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse.
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6. What did the
gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have in common?
They both get to smell the goods but neither one can
eat it.
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7. How can you tell
if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.
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8. What do you call
a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
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9. How is pubic hair
like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
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10, Why are women
& Kentucky Fried Chicken the same?
By the time you're finished with the breast &
thighs, all you have left is the
greasy box to put your bone in.
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11. How are
tornadoes & marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking & blowing,
& in the end you lose your house.
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12. Why doesn't
Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump & swim are
already in the US.
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13. Do you know why
women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.
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14. What's the
difference between getting a divorce & getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole
prick!
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15. Why does a bride
smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
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16. How do you find
a blonde in long grass?
Pleasing!
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17. When is a pixie
not a pixie?
when he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's
a goblin'.
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18. What's the
definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it
yourself.
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19. How can you tell
if a valentine card is from a leper?
The tongue's still in the envelope.
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20. Which of the
following doesn't belong: meat, eggs, blow job?
The blow job. You can beat your eggs, & your
meat, but you just can't beat a
blow job.
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21. What's the
difference between a blonde & an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
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22. Why do blondes
have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.
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23. Why do seagulls
have wings?
To beat the gypsies to the tip.
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24. Why did God
invent alcohol?
So ugly people can get laid.
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25. How do you get
three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!" or
"house!"
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26. What do you get
if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
Your last blow job.
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27. What's the
difference between a woman from Wigan & a walrus?
One's got a moustache & smells of fish & the
other lives in the sea.
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28. How many social
workers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled
'Coping with 'Darkness'.
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29. Why don't blind
people skydive?
It scares the shit out of the guide dog.
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30. What have women
& condoms got in common?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on the end
of your cock.
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31. How do you make
a dog drink?
Put it in a liquidizer.
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32. What's got four
legs & an arm?
A rottweiler.
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33. What do you do
if your boiler explodes?
Buy her some flowers.
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34. What do you call
a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Patient!!
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35. What's the
difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
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36. How is pussy
like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them. (quality)
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37. What is the
biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
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38. Who is the most
popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand
and a dozen donuts.
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39. Who is the most
popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
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40. How can you tell
soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
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41. Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.
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42. Why do bachelors
like smart women?
Opposites attract.
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43. Why do Italians
wear moustaches?
So they can look like their mother.
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44. Why do men take
showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
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45. Did you hear
about the new shade of Dulux called "Blonde"?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
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46. Why do women
have FOREHEADS?
So you have someplace to kiss them after they give
you a BLOWJOB.
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47. Do you know why
they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
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48. Why do men pay
more than women for car insurance?
Because
women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.